Saturday, August 12, 2006


THE HOMETOWN BUGLE, Happy Valley, USA. August, 2006, by
Your Inquiring Reporter


"I didn’t want her then. What made her think I would want her now?" distraught birthmother Mrs. Scarlet Letter confided to this reporter.

"That monster just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. She attempted to push her way right into our house. She was howling, ‘Your dirty little secret has come back to haunt you,’" continued Mrs. Letter.

Every birthmother’s greatest fear came true yesterday in Happy Valley. Mrs. Scarlet Letter, her husband and two children were in the dining room of their happy home, holding hands and peacefully saying "Grace" before partaking of their delicious home cooked meal. All of a sudden they heard a dreadful commotion at the front door.

"The doorbell was ringing incessantly, interspersed with the sounds of pounding and kicking. I was scared out of my wits," sobbed Scarlet.

"Whoever can it be?" wailed Mr. Letter.

"What will the neighbors think?" moaned Daughter Letter.

"We’re being disgraced," sobbed Son Letter.

Mrs. Letter opened the door a crack and peeked out. Yes, her worst fear had indeed come true. Her long-ago mistake had returned. "Go away, you bad adoptee, you," whispered Scarlet.

But the bad adoptee didn’t go away. "Open the door and let me come in," she shouted.

"No, No. I’ll never let you come in," hissed Mrs. Letter. "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin."

"Mommy, mommy, you let me come in or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in," screamed the big bad adoptee.

"I don’t have to let you come in," cried the indignant Scarlet, stamping her foot. "My social worker promised me on her Girl Scout Honor that you would never come back. She PROMISED, do you hear me?"

Meanwhile, bewildered Mr. Letter telephoned for help. His happy home was being torn apart. There was a monster in their midst. Police cars rushed to the scene, sirens wailing. The town’s entire police force, armed and ready for action, surrounded the Letter’s happy home.

Sheriff I.M. Wright spoke to this nasty intruder. "Come down off that porch this minute with your hands covering your face and you won’t be harmed."

"But what about my civil rights?" asked the big bad adoptee.

"You have no civil rights," sneered Sheriff Wright. "You got all your civil rights when this state found you a good home when Scarlet here didn’t want you."

"But I’m not here to harm anyone," sniffed the big bad adoptee.

"Ain’t she never heard of a bad seed?" mumbled one of the police officers.

With this, the police officers began to advance to the porch. As they approached the steps, the big bad adoptee began her retreat. Hands hiding her face, she slunk down the steps.

"Don’t shoot," she said. "I’m going. I’ll be on the next bus out of town."

In a hushed silence, the police officers moved aside as the big bad adoptee slunk slowly down the street and disappeared into the sunset.

"I hope that little bastard learned her lesson," muttered Husband Letter.

Scarlet, prostrate in her porch swing, wiped the tears from her rosy cheeks and heaved a huge sigh of relief. Peace had returned to Happy Valley.

MORAL OF THE STORY (Take your pick)

1. Serves you right, you dirty bastard.
2. Your government always knows best.
3. Your birthmother is a mean tramp. Once a mean tramp, always a mean tramp.
4. You’re a bad bad adoptee. Once an ingrate, always an ingrate.
5. We told you so!