BastardGrannyAnnie
A True Story
Conversations heard around the dining room table among several strangers paying their condolences at a Shiva ( a Jewish wake.)
For once in my life I kept my mouth shut. This was a house of mourning, after all, and it wasn’t the time to stir up any hornet’s nests. Instead, I listened quietly as the good and grateful adoptee… which seemed to make everyone feel very comfortable to tell their stories.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We have two adopted daughters. We always wanted to help them find their biological mothers. They wanted to know "who they were" and I believe in that. In fact, I hired a searcher- friend to help find one of their birth mothers. Unfortunately, neither daughter had a good reunion experience …. [ followed by a description of "a slut birthmother who drinks, takes drugs, has lots of boyfriends yadda yadda yadda ] Our daughter cut off all communication with "that woman." It was too much for her."
ME: My mother would turn in her grave if I ever even mentioned searching.
"Oh no, Anita, not today she wouldn’t object. Things are different today."
ME: (To myself) OH YEAH?
"One of our daughters is of Swedish origins (father pulls out picture of young woman with blonde curly hair and pale skin). When she was in school, she came to us and asked us "What am I?." I told her she was Polish and Russian, just like us, her parents. And that was settled and she was happy. [ husband and wife, both short, pudgy Eastern European Jews, nodding their heads and smiling] "
ME: (To myself) ) OH YEAH?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"My daughter in law has found both her biological parents and is ecstatic! The whole family is so excited. We’re all going down to Florida next week to meet her mother and her grandmother and aunts and uncles. It’s just the most wonderful thing that ever happened."
Me: Your daughter in law’s parents; how are they taking all this? Are they going too?
"Oh no, they’re very quiet about it all. They never say anything. They’re very intelligent people but they don’t ever talk about any of this."
"You know, I always used to wish I were adopted. I just love the idea of being chosen."
Me: (To myself: OH YEAH?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We have two granddaughters, ages 16 and 18, both adopted from Korea. (proudly shows photos. Our 18 year old is spending 7 weeks traveling and studying in Israel this summer."
ME: Have your granddaughters ever expressed a desire to learn more about their Korean culture?
"Oh No Why should they? They’re American!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I have an adopted daughter. She once thought of searching but then she said to me, ‘Ma, you and Dad have done everything for me. You are the only parents for me’."
Smiles, nods, "oh yes’s, " going all round the table.
"Twenty three months after we adopted our daughter, I gave birth to our son. My doctor told me this would happen and he was right. I had one of my own."
------------------
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Being in your position of listening to these famlies stories, Anita, is crazy-making, painful, and very familiar to me as an adoptee. To modify the joke about insanity being inherited from one's children, adoptees "inherit" insanity from our adoptive families when we have to listen to things like this. Most people don't know how these kinds of comments feel to adoptees. Maybe you (or someone) should write a book about how these kinds of oblivious comments sound and feel to adopted people. I'm reminded of the book written by an adoptive mother of children from other countries, titled, "Are Those Kids Yours?" We should expose other people's ignorance and get them to hear themselves through our ears.
Being in your position of listening to these famlies stories, Anita, is crazy-making, painful, and very familiar to me as an adoptee. To modify the joke about insanity being inherited from one's children, adoptees "inherit" insanity from our adoptive families when we have to listen to things like this. Most people don't know how these kinds of comments feel to adoptees. Maybe you (or someone) should write a book about how these kinds of oblivious comments sound and feel to adopted people. I'm reminded of the book written by an adoptive mother of children from other countries, titled, "Are Those Kids Yours?" We should expose other people's ignorance and get them to hear themselves through our ears.
I love the Polish-Russian story. How do people believe this crap?
It's a good thing you weren't at my bmom's funeral. This is what I got (paraphrase):
"You know I adopted my son. It was a family adoption. I adopted my sister's son. The one she had with my daddy. He calls me mommie-sissie-auntie." I am not making this up.
My then 13-year old niece got a serious case of ants in her pants, but my sister and I sat there like that was a normal conversation.
People just do not realize how often such comments are made, and how upsetting they can be to adoptees. These vignettes are very telling. Thanks for writing them down.
It's amazing. My sister-in-law (the one who is not a birthmother) believes that adoptees shouldn't even be told they're adopted. And doesn't understand why an adult discovering he/she was adopted would be upset. She's sweet, but pretty stupid.
I did ask he if she regularly lied to her son. She was taken aback by that. I told her it would be the same thing.
Here's a good one for ya';
Thanksgiving Dinner-
I am speaking to an adoptive mother about her daughter that they adopted from China. I asked her if her daughter ever had questions about her true nationality.
She says;
Our daughter went with us to the hospital to see my sister and her new baby. My daughter said "wow mommy she looks JUST LIKE US!"
Mom beamed proudly and said her daughter saw absolutely no difference between them and her.
I just thought to myself do you OWN any mirrors?!?!?! I don't think she heard me though because her head was buried too far in the sand.
Post a Comment