Tuesday, June 10, 2008
CONFIDENTIAL INTERMEDIARIES FOR EVERYONE
"Confidential Intermediary: Marriage"
Illinois Adoption Act 750ILCS 50, Section 18.12
Legislative Intent: The General Assembly recognizes that it is the basic right of all persons to apply for and receive, uncondtionally, at the age of majority, a license to wed. The General Assembly also recognizes that there are circumstances under which a parent of the bride or groom may have compelling reasons for forbidding the marriage. In an effort to balance these interests, the General Assembly supports the public policy that a marriage license shall be issued to petitioners only after all parents have signed an Affidavit of Approval of Marriage.
Section 18.12 (a)
Any couple wishing to enter into the holy state of matrimony shall first petition the esteemed state of Illinois for a Marriage Confidential Intermediary .(MCI) The court will appoint a state sanctioned social worker to be the couple’s Marriage Confidential Intermediary. (MCI)The couple will pay a $250 filing fee to the court, $1000 to the Midwest Confidential Intermediary Marriage Agency, and must show receipt from an authorized jeweler that a diamond engagement ring of no less than 1 caret has been purchased.
Section 18.12 (d)
The MCI shall have the duty of inspecting all public and private information databases and gathering detailed information concerning any previous marriages and divorces of the bride and groom. Relationships of one year or more with a member of the opposite sex will be examined and recorded. Relationships of one month or more with a member of the same sex shall be noted with a red flag. The MCI shall also report any broken engagements, including the size of the diamond in the engagement ring and who kept the ring.
The MCI will make certain that a registered birth certificate is on file for each applicant. Additional, twelve (12 ) of the bride and groom’s genealogical family trees going back at least 4 generations, must be submitted. Adoptees – don’t even bother!
The MCI will scrupulously study all medical histories of both parties. The MCI will rate each petitioner on a Marriage Confidential Intermediary Medical History Information Exchange Scale (MCIMHIES) that will document any history of mumps, measles, chickenpox, whopping cough, or sexually transmitted diseases. One point shall be assigned for each disease. The MCI shall have the authority of the state to subpoena medical records from all doctors who have ever treated the couple.
The total medical scores are as follows:
0 – 1 A marriage made in heaven
2 -3 Risky business
4 + Not a chance.
The MCI will look through all criminal court records for the past 20 years and will report all indictable offenses. A separate report will be filed for any jail sentences served. Both Parole Officers and cell mates will be interviewed by the MCI.
The initial MCI investigation shall be deemed “concluded” after 6 months or 50 typed pages in the file, which ever comes first.
Section 18.12 (f)
The MCI will contact the natural parents of the bride and the groom.
Each parent will be presented with the MCI Top Secret Marriage File (MCITSMF) to scrutinize. The MCI will explain to the parents that upon completion of reading the MCITSMF, they will have 3 options to choose from:
1) This parent does not approve of the wedding. No marriage license shall be issued. Case closed.
2) This parent has concerns or issues about this marriage and therefore the petitioning couple will have to attend MCI counseling sessions 3 times/week for three months at the Midwest Confidential Intermediary Marriage Agency
If there is a blue moon during any of these months, the petitioners shall have to complete one extra month of counseling. . At the end of the sessions, the parent may then chose to agree or not agree to the marriage and a license will be issued or be withheld accordingly.
3) When all four parents agree to the marriage, they will sign an Affidavit of Approval of Marriage. At such time, the state will issue a marriage license to the petitioners.
4) All four parents must agree on the marriage before a license can be issued. Should any of the parents be deceased, the oldest sibling in that person’s family will be designated “in loco parentis” and will cast his/her vote in place of the deceased parent. The oldest sibling will be required to fill out the Marriage Confidential Intermediary Permission to Issue Marriage License Form (MCIPIMLF) as well as show proof of a score of at least 1300 on the SAT exam. If there are no living siblings, then the duty will fall to the Dali Lama.
Section 18.12 (i)
At the conclusion of the MCI investigation, All INFORMATION in the MCI Top Secret Marriage File (MCITSMF) shall be impounded and sealed for 199 years.
Any couple who marries without express permission from the MCI will be charged with the felony criminal charge of “Marrying An Unacceptable Person” and each party shall be subject to a fine of not less than $10,000. If convicted of the felony criminal charge, the bride and groom must serve a sentence of one year as volunteers to help build the George W. Bush Presidential Library.
Any clergyperson who officiates as an unofficial wedding will be subject to a misdemeanor charge of “Marrying a Couple Who Does Not Have an MCI Marrying License.” The collection plate for six consecutive Sunday services will be turned over to the state as a fine for this offense.
Any MCI who does not abide by all of the regulations of the MCI Secrecy Laws shall be subject to the felony criminal charge of “Spilling the Beans.” Imprisonment will be for the rest of his or her natural life.