Nebraska Grandma Moses Law

INTRODUCING NEBRASKA’S NEW SAFE-HAVEN LAW

THE GRANDMA MOSES LAW

“If we save even one old person…. We’re doing the work of the Lord.”

NO SHAME. NO BLAME. NO NAMES.

NO CLAIMS. NO GAMES.

IS THIS YOU?

Are you ready to murder Grandpa Billy for farting at the dinner table twice every night and five times on Thanksgiving?

Does Great Grandma Tillie ask you over and over again, “When are we going to eat?” even though you have just finished supper? Are you ready to tape her mouth shut forever?

Has Uncle Joseph ever walked through your house in his underwear when your children’s teacher has come for a visit?

Does your father change the television station to “The Lawrence Welk Show” when you are in the middle of watching The Super Bowl? Are you ready to hit your father upside his head?

Does your mother call you every single evening wanting to know why you don’t call her more often? Do you shudder with fear each time the phone rings

Has your Aunt Harriet ever peed on your sofa, causing you severe heart burn?

Does your neighbor, Mr. Rogers, ever tell you, in front of all the other neighbors, how much fun it is to mow your lawn or rake your leaves and you should try it some time?

Don’t panic!
Relief is on the way.
There are people who will help you with NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
CALL 1-888-OLDPERSON

Nebraska is proud to announce its newest safe haven law, The Grandma Moses Law. This law provides a safe and legal option to unsafe old person abandonment.

The Grandma Moses Law provides a safe alternative to caretakers who may be under severe emotional distress or are unable to provide for the basic needs of their old person. It offers hope to those who might otherwise dump their Old Persons at the nearest loony bin or abandon them in an underground parking garage. Best of all, this law provides immunity from prosecution for caretakers who relinquish their unharmed Old Person to a safe haven under the terms of this law.

HOW DOES THE GRAMDMA MOSES PLAN WORK?

An Old Person may be permanently given to the state of Nebraska at any state-approved safe haven. The giver of the Old Person will herein be known as the Dropper. The Dropper does not have to supply any identifying information to the agent on duty at a safe haven. All the Dropper has to do is bring the Old Person to the state designated safe haven. He or she must then push, pull, shove, carry or otherwise manage to get the Old Person through the door and declare three times in a loud voice, “ATTENTION: SAFE HAVEN DROP.” Then turn around and run like hell!

Once the Old Person has been placed or otherwise moved into the safe haven, the Dropper is free to leave the premises without being followed, harassed, or bothered by any safe haven agent. The Dropper does not need to give his or her identity or answer any questions. There will be a health questionnaire available at each safe haven but filling it out is completely optional.
Once the Dropper has left the premises, it’s up to the Old Persons to offer their own identifying information, if they can remember it.

WHO IS ELIGIBLE?

An “Old Person” is any person, male or female, who has reached the biblical age of three score and ten. There is no upper limit on age.

Every Old Person must have a state certified Birth Certificate pinned to his or her shirt or coat to prove date of birth, which must be clearly written or typed. White outs of other identifying information are permitted. No adopted persons are allowed to be safe havened because the Department of Health does not trust the authenticity of any adopted person’s birth certificate.

Old Persons are allowed to bring health aids, such as a cane, walker, wheel chair, dentures, eye glasses, and/or hearing aid. Old Persons are allowed to bring up to 6 bottles of pills. Old Persons are not allowed to bring any medicinal “bottles” inside brown paper bags.

WHERE ARE THE DESIGNATED SAFE HAVENS?

State designated Grandma Moses safe havens for Old Persons include, but are not limited to: all accredited hospitals; all fire stations; any police station; FEMA Headquarters ; any branch of the Department of Health; any national guard unit; any grocery store that has at least two working cash registers; Walgreens Pharmacies, so long as there is at least one registered pharmacist on duty; any state park where there is at least one Park Ranger on the premises at the time of drop-off; any branch of the State Vital Records Department, and any nursing home with a population of 5 or more residents.

Every state approved safe-haven has this sign prominently displayed on the front door.

WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SAFE-HAVENED “OLD PERSON?”

ADOPTION IS AN OPTION
Old Persons may be adopted by any couple who have at least two minor children living with them and who wish to have a grandparent join their forever family. All adoption records will be impounded and sealed for 99 years.

SEE THE USA WITH AMTRAK
Old Persons may be enrolled in a “See the USA with Amtrak” program. The Old Persons will board the Amtrak train in New York City. Nursing assistants will accompany them. As the train makes its way west, it will make designated stops. At each of the cities, the old persons will be brought out onto the platform where the good citizens of the city may look them over. Any citizen of good moral character who wishes to have a household helper or an extra farm or factory worker may have an Old Person.

No more than two Old Persons to any family or business.

If there are any left-over Old Persons when the train reaches San Francisco, the state of California must take over the care of these Old Persons.

OLDPERSONAGE INSTITUTION
Some old persons may be sent to live in an OLDPERSONAGE, which is a state operated home for old persons who have no parents.

WORK-STUDY PROGRAM
Some old persons may be selected to work and learn at the George W. Bush Presidential Library.


WHAT IF I CHANGE MY MIND? (SUCKER!)
Any Dropper may return to the safe haven station where he/she dropped said Old Person within fifteen (15) days of the drop. The Dropper must fill out an Old Person Return Request. (Form OPRR). If the Old Person can be found in no more than thirty (30) days, he/she will be returned to the Dropper, AS IS. All sales are final!